The other night I attended a screening of a short film titled "A Truth in Silence" at Denver University. The film is an artistic interpretation of actual events that depicts a weekend endured by an expecting young mother and her baby in Chicago. It is a bilingual production highlighting the beginning of an abusive marriage that lasted seventeen years.
I will not share the plot details for two reasons. First, describing the film in words could never do it justice. How does one describe an exquisite sculpture to another? It must be seen or--if one's vision is obscured--it must be felt to be understood. Moreover, sharing the story at this time would be disrespectful to Piña Productions (the company behind the film), all of the dedicated individuals who made the film possible, and those who work tirelessly to raise awareness of domestic abuse (DA) and assist those who have survived it.
After the film ended a presenter noted that most cases of DA involve a male "perpetrator" and a female "victim." But there are cases where the roles are reversed and cases of abuse in same sex relationships. No one race, ethnicity, religion, or cultural or socioeconomic group is immune to the potential for DA. The primary victim often is not the only one; one or more children likely are victimized also. In cases involving children the complexity of DA is magnified immeasurably.
Many who are familiar with abusive relationships can attest that the "perpetrator" often was victimized in some way themselves. Additionally, individuals often view the primary "victim" as a perpetrator of sorts because she (or he) does not leave an abusive relationship. People ask, "Why don't [or didn't] you just leave?" Unless one has experienced the dynamics of an abusive relationship, especially one involving children, it can be nearly impossible to grasp the combination of fear and love that keeps the targets of abuse--the victims--in abusive relationships.
The home in which I grew up was turbulent at times, but not nearly as tumultuous as that portrayed in the film. Despite all that happened my parents are still together and my siblings and I are relatively healthy, well adjusted individuals. Because my parents have overcome so many challenges both of them are and always will be my biggest source of inspiration. I love them dearly and I am grateful for all that they have given me. Not everyone is as fortunate as my siblings and I.
The affects of DA are not confined to the households in which abuse has taken place. The young woman portrayed in the film is my dad's sister. My dad and his siblings' father was abusive when they were growing up. This reveals how DA can be a cycle that spans generations. The main roles in the film are portrayed by gifted actors who also have had encounters with DA in their own lives. Domestic abuse affects not only close family members, but extended family, whole communities, and people throughout the globe.
It is a different kind of "truth in silence" that all too often we label people without much regard to whether a particular label is fair, accurate, or appropriate. We judge people based on physical appearance and ability and perceived mental intelligence. We make assumptions based on age, gender, religion (or lack thereof), culture, and sexual orientation. Politically we identify people as "liberal" and "conservative." In the context of altercations we label people as "perpetrators" and "victims." For the sake of anonymity labels can be useful, but when labels define people they can be dangerous. Labels have a tendency to paint an incomplete picture of whole individuals. So-called "perpetrators" and "victims" are not simply that. They are brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, fathers and mothers. They are people, and should be treated as such.
People who are victims of abuse often suffer silently for long periods of time--possibly their entire lives. To effectively address DA in people's lives awareness must be raised and assistance provided in leaving or eliminating abusive situations and coping with the long term psychological and perhaps even physical affects. Many victims do not know anything but abuse; it feels normal. When people are in an abusive relationship the last thing they need is judgement (to be labeled a victim or a perpetrator). What is needed is compassion and understanding. People stay in abusive relationships for fear of breaking family ties, becoming homeless, or even putting their lives and the lives of their children at risk. These fears are not irrational. Many who leave have nowhere to go because they feel powerless and literally are isolated from friends and family. Mothers or fathers and their children often become homeless and hungry.
Many organizations including Piña Productions, Family Tree (website here) in Denver, and the Violence Intervention Program (VIP) (website here) in Los Angeles raise awareness at events like the film screening I attended and reach out and provide all sorts of assistance to victims. By assisting survivors of abuse with housing, food, education, employment, and counseling they effectively help improve the lives of survivors and reduce the likelihood of domestic abuse in future generations. Let us not forget the perpetrators. There are cases where they reach a crossroad and decide that enough is enough. These cases are rare, but they do happen. Demonizing the perpetrators does not help. Their actions may not earn them respect, but the fact that they are human beings suffering in ways we may never understand affords them some.
Every one of us has our own struggles. If we reach out to one another more and label and judge each other less, we all would live happier and healthier lives. Please like and follow A Truth in Silence on Facebook and/or Twitter. If you are in a position to host a screening of the film or volunteer for an organization like Family Tree or VIP in your area please seriously consider doing so. It is through the actions of dedicated and compassionate individuals that the cycle of abuse can end. Please share this story if it has touched you or if you know someone who may be touched by it. Thank you for your time and may peace be with you.
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