As I sit here sipping mate I contemplate both the beauty and the ugliness in the world. If one looks closely enough I believe that a little beauty can be found in the ugliest of things. Likewise within the most beautiful things lies something grotesque. Nothing ever is completely either black or white.
Actually, the color white is not actually white. White is what we see because the light reflecting off of white surfaces contains all of the visible colors of the light spectrum. In other words, white surfaces absorb none of the colors of the rainbow. Just the same black is the lack of colored light being reflected. So black surfaces absorb all of the colors within the visible spectrum of light. That is why a "black hole" is called a black hole. Black holes appear to absorb all of the matter that surrounds them.
Up until some time at the beginning of 2013 my life was primarily about me and my hermit-like introverted lifestyle. I worked a technical job in a cubicle ten hours a night (graveyard shift) and returned to my bachelor pad to consume the remaining 128 hours of my week. What did I fill the time with? For many years it was spent buying mostly useless crap, listening to music, watching television, and surfing the Internet. Occasionally I ventured out to attend live concerts--usually metal (as in heavy metal) but also blues, rock, or even a symphony orchestra performance or two.
To me a "consumer" is a person whose life is consumed primarily by stuff instead of by experiences that promote individual growth and growth as a people. Becoming an adult should not mean becoming a "finished product" to be sold to those willing to buy. In that regard I was both a commodity and a consumer. I didn't feel alive. It may sound cliché, but I felt like a cog in a machine or a caged animal. I was neither the engineer that tinkered with the machine nor was I a free and self-reliant wild animal. I wanted to be the architect of my own life, take risks, and know what it means to live.
Through both luck and my own frugality (not to mention lacking a social life), I had accumulated some savings. For over a year as of this writing I have survived on savings and the good graces of family. Technically I moved back in with my parents, but I am not ashamed of it. They have helped me in ways I cannot describe and I am extremely grateful for them and all they do for me. I do what I can to support my family members as well, financially and otherwise. But my welcome is wearing thin as is my savings. I knew this part of my life was just a phase, but it was a necessary one.
I think now that I went from a very selfish life to a much more selfless one. I am no saint, but recently I have focused heavily on helping those around me because I can rather than on doing things to get something in return. I have helped family with whatever they needed whenever possible and I have volunteered part-time at a local school. I have not sought a paying job with any real effort nor have I desired to do anything with any measurable "return on investment" as they say in the business world. I am out of balance. I went from white to black--or perhaps more accurately from near black to near white.
I have decided to seek meaningful part-time employment (a paying "gig") and explore new and exciting educational opportunities. I remain a bachelor and to the chagrin of my mother I may never marry or have children. This may be saying too much, but I am not interested in a physical relationship with anyone. I might even say that I am similar to a monk whose religion could only be defined as love. As such I will continue volunteering in whatever ways I can and as much as I can.
However others may see or define me, I know that the person I see in the mirror is not who I am. The image of me is merely a kaleidoscope of colored light that passes through the visual organ systems of my body to eventually form an image in my mind. In that way I am light and so is everyone else. We're all just unique expressions of it. And so I will strive for the remainder of my life to honor the light in us all by going forth without fear. What have I got to lose? It's not like I am getting out of this life alive anyway.
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